It was nothing short of a miracle. There was no ecclesiastical imperative, no lying on of hands, no blinding heavenly light, no animal sacrifices, no chanting. There was just letting go.
I had no idea I had begun to grasp things so tightly.
I started having pain in mid-July. Neck pain and shoulder pain. Couldn’t sleep well, or long. I kept adjusting, medicating. I looked for possible ergonomic discrepancies that might be the cause. Made more adjustments – some helped, and some only made it worse. Then my knees started hurting. They are already arthritic, so more pain and more swelling is not good. Then the back spasms started. Next thing I know, every night is a challenge: how am I going to try and sleep so as to not lay on something that hurts already? Left side? Nope – shoulder pain. Right side? Nope – back spasms. Prone? Nope – hyper-extends the knees. Back? Nope – snore. Sigh.
I began to despair. I was going to have to ask someone else to go to the grocery store for me. I didn’t think I could manage the walk, much less carrying the bags. The trash and recycling were starting to back up. I did not want to ask for help. I’m 49 not 89! Then it happened: the Day of Letting Go.
What did I let go of? Oh, different things in different ways.
I let go of feelings that had been festering in my mind by openly admitting them to friends and acknowledging their silly reality. Getting them out in the open meant we could deal with them, talk about them. It wasn’t hard. Why did I forget that friends are friends for a reason? Why did I forget that REAL friends are people you can be yourself with and not worry about judgments? I looked back at people I called friends, trusted too easily. People who were not really my friends. People who were “friend imposters.” I was glad I had real friends right now, and that I had trusted them with my honesty.
I let go of control of an ongoing creative project I had held a tight grasp on for months. Something I had loved and kept to myself. I had begun doing it in a small way in July – sharing my vision of a project with someone and letting them create pieces for it and brainstorm with me. This time I went all the way: “I have two events I need decoration for. I can do either of them, but I want you to do one of them. So here are the themes . . . which one would you like to do most?” Her enthusiasm was so immediate that I shared another project with her. Why had I not done that before? Why had I kept it to myself? I am not generally overtly selfish so . . . what?
I let go of pride. A friend was down and depressed. He called himself a loser. He is not a loser. I couldn’t stand that. He always listens to me when I am bothered. Always asks me to tell him. I spoke to him sternly and with affection – he is not a loser. I told him so. He is someone who is always there for people, and always supporting. Men like to be knights on chargers, and often we let them be. But everyone needs a leg up to the horse at some point. No one is the hero all the time. There were people, I was certain, that would help him if only they knew. There were people who would welcome the opportunity to be there for him, as he had been for them. In a way, his problem was so small, but he had let it become so large that it was affecting his sense of himself. I found myself telling him about my pain, about the humiliation of facing the fact that I was going to have to ask for help. It was a fact that I accepted as I told him about it. I stopped focusing on my problems and focused on him. His problem had a solution. So did mine. All we had to do was let go of our pride, and our need to control the situation. All we had to do was ask for the help we needed.
I went to bed that night, not realizing all that had happened in less than 18 hours. I went to sleep with the usual precautions that I had accumulated over the last six weeks. I fully expected to awaken barely able to move, in pain after only three or four hours sleep, and have to do them all over again. I slept through the night. It was the deep, dream-filled sleep that renews the body and soul, and has you waking up with a smile and feeling better about life in general. I had that smile when I awoke. I also had a whole lot less pain when I woke up. I had something more than both of those combined. I had the realization of how very much I had let go of the day before. I felt the weight of restraint, control, and pride lifted from me.
I had no idea I had begun to grasp things so tightly. It now seems clear I had, and that grasping had physically manifested itself as pain. I looked out on the August morning feeling optimistic, happy, and profoundly relieved. I found myself wondering if I could program a day like yesterday into my calendar once a quarter. Maybe even schedule it once a month the same way some people schedule their dry cleaning or hair appointments: A Day of Letting Go.
by Judy Cullen
"for my REAL friends - you know who you are."
2011 all rights reserved "for my REAL friends - you know who you are."
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